he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
