Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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