I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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