either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
