Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
