i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
