Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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