Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
