i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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