I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
