You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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