This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
