Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
