Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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