I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize