strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize