i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
soo... how was my night?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
