it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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