So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I cannot find my penis.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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