mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
did i just pee glitter
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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