I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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