I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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