Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
