Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
