What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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