you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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