You can't motorboat a personality
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
