do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
