I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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