I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
