K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
