i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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