Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
