I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
