Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
