I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize