Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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