listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
