I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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