i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
