she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate all girls vehemently.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
