Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
