Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i love accidental penises.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
