heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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