Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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