i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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