I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
