I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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