whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
