Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
