mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
cat food counts as protein by the way
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
