I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
