Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
no you cant smoke seaweed
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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