He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He better not be in your backpack
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
