Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
