the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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