how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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