So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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