I didn't shave. On purpose
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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