I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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