Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
