I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
