I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
