I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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