I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
