I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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