u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
