My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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