I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
